Rant

I am measuring my breaths
Weighing them against the breaths they might have been
Appraising the required resources

I inhale
A concoction of many gasses
By my body needs the oxygen

I exhale
Carbon dioxide
And I know too much

Because the gas I exhale
That the plants can’t recycle
Is let loose into our air
But thank God global warming is a conspiracy created by the Chinese
But let’s not get into that
Because I am busy measuring my breaths

I inhale
And anger fills my lungs
Burns hot in my gut and I struggle to calm it

I exhale
A single word escapes
Remnants of my inner-furnace, “fuck.”

I look up to dirty looks
Because the man is with his child
He’s angry that I’ve interrupted his walk with his son
Well . . . his march
Under a sign proclaiming, “God hates fags.”
I wonder whose F-word has caused more damage

And he screams because I had the gall
To question, “What the fuck are you talking about?”
In front of his kid
While he defends actual fucking hate speech. Shit —
Where was I?
Oh yeah, I was measuring my breaths.

I inhale
And I hold it in to contemplate
Maybe this breath could be more

I exhale
Words I pray through tears
Aren’t falling all deaf ears

I beg someone — anyone — to listen
But I’m certain if they did
It would be solely out of social convention
Because society can’t get its shit together
It is equal parts polite and asshole
One of those must be an act
But you’re still here
Reading as I measure my breaths

I  inhale
Breathing in all the hatred
I take in all the lies

I exhale
And as I release my breath
I release my tears

Tears of fear
Tears of anger
Because I am gasping
Wasting even more breath
Tears because how fucking dare you be happy whilst breeding hatred
Why do you get to sleep at night
While I lay awake, measuring my breaths?

I don’t want to inhale
Because I am surrounded by the hatred that infects the air
There are knives in my lungs

I inhale
My lungs expand
The knives press against flesh and it burns

I don’t want to exhale
Because as I’ve measured my breaths
I have found myself wanting

I don’t want to exhale
I hate this cycle
I just want to end — to disappear

I don’t want to exhale
Because each breath reminds me
I am sick

I don’t want to exhale
So I hold it in as hard as I can
My lungs burn relentlessly

I exhale
A single phrase
“I’m sorry.”

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